MoSneaky Fantasy Football Online Magazine » 8 Simple Rules for Pleasing your Man

8 Simple Rules for Pleasing your Man

14 May, 2007 Humor / Oddity

N. Ford Welcome girls. Your presence here indicates that you wish to delve deep into the male psyche, in order to figure out the age old question:
“What do men really want?”

They don’t really want fancy cars or a big super-modern house. They don’t want a super-model wife, with big fantastic billowing breasts. They certainly don’t want a lot of cutesy touchy-feely relationship nonsense that you see in every women’s magazine. So what is the answer to this question that has plagued women since the dawn of time?

It’s quite simple, really. Men just want one day a week where they don’t have to worry about any of the bullshit that life is constantly shoving down their throat.

So, to make your man happy, you just need to give him that 1 day of peace. This day should be Sunday. Even God thinks so. Here are eight ways that you, the woman, can make your man’s Sunday as pleasing as possible, so that he can return to being a cog in the soul-crushing wheel that we call “work” on Monday with a peace of mind.

1. Give him space
And lots of it. No man likes to be smothered. We call this one the “Sniper Rule”. If you can see him, he can also see you. Make sure this doesn’t happen, unless absolutely necessary.
*Note: this rule should only be broken when adhering to one of our other 7 tips.

2. Compliments
This lets your man know how attractive you still find him. Sometimes a kind word can make all the difference. “I really love the way you burp the alphabet” or “Those grease-stained, moldy sweatpants really bring out the blue in your eyes” will make your man know just how special he is.

3. Oral Sex
This is key, if you want a healthier, happier man on Sundays. Keep in mind, that he still needs an unobstructed view of the television and he may happen to get some crumbs in your hair from the chips he is eating, but these are small sacrifices to make for a successful relationship.

4. Role play, to spice things up
Be creative! Let your imagination go with this one. If you can’t think of anything exciting, this one is sure to drive your man wild: Pretend he is the Emperor Caesar, and you are his enslaved concubine Helen Keller. Fan him, feed him grapes, be his human footstool. Take it from us, this really works wonders.

5. Caressing and touching
This is the first step to putting the MAN back in romance. Although they put up a tough front, guys really love these tender displays of affection. Letting him stroke your hair while giving the mandatory “Sunday blowjob” should take care of all his cuddling needs.

6. Talk dirty
No matter how straight laced your beau may seem, all guys have a wild side just waiting to burst out. But be careful, you need to ease into this. Start with something just a little bit dirty, like “That Joe Theismann is one dumb motherfucker”. Then you can eventually build up to something like “That fucktard Theismann’s dipshit commentary sucks major horsecock.” You’ll be amazed how easy it is, once you get started.

7. Make a special meal for him
Pamper your man. He will love you for it. You don’t have to be Julia Childs to put together a feast your guy will love. A 40 piece bucket from KFC will trump any shortcomings you might have in the kitchen. In fact, don’t even try to cook, KFC kicks too much ass.

8. Blowjobs
Did we mention these already? They are that important. You may not believe it, but blowjobs are the foundation of every healthy relationship. Give them away like candy at the 4th of July parade.

That’s all there is to it, gals. If you follow these 8 simple rules, then your relationship will flourish. In fact, your man will be so happy that he won’t have fantasies about punching you and not getting arrested for it, whenever you bitch about the lawn needing mowed. And that is a good thing.