MoSneaky Fantasy Football Online Magazine

A Sunday in the Life

14 May, 2007 Humor / Oddity

J. Perkins We here at MoSneaky.com care about our loyal readers, so much in fact that we felt it was not only necessary to observe their behavior on a Sunday afternoon, but also to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh and be born unto new worlds where their flesh is the key. Disregard that last bit. In an extensive survey of two people, both of whom lived in a shack in the woods, didn’t speak coherent English or wear pants, we feel that we have come up with a typical Sunday in the life of the fantasy footballer. Enjoy! Or not, I don’t care.

10:45am - Wake up, masturbate, begin to shake off hangover from night before. Give birth to horrid beer shit. Tell wench living with you to bring forth some sustenance. If she fails to comply, kick her out the door and proceed to have Pop Tart, as it’s the only thing you know how to make other than tuna in a can.

11:00am - Park ass on sofa, begin to watch NFL Countdown, begin vegetation.

12:00pm - Turn on Fox for Gillian Barberie, masturbate, masturbate, masturbate.

1:00pm - Either towel off or have dog clean you off because that shower’s a good 30 feet away and begin watching games. It is imperative at this point not only to enable the picture in picture function of your television in order to catch multiple games, but also to turn on your computer and get on the internet for live scoring updates, all the while listening to satellite radio for updates.

1:10pm - Ignore girlfriend’s whining.

2:00pm - Feed. Demand that girlfriend, if she hasn’t been booted out already, whip you up a little something while you continue to watch the games. If she is unwilling to comply with your simple request, politely show her the door with your foot and make a note to find a woman who will comply.

3:00pm - If woman is still around, demand sexual gratification making sure to position yourself where you can still face the television.

4:00pm - With the first games coming to an end, it is a good time to assess the situation. If doing well, call opponent and taunt him until your blue in the face. If losing, turn off cell phone, as your opponent will no doubt be calling you shortly.

6:00pm - As the frustration of losing mounts, keep a pair of pliers handy so that you may yank out leg hair in order to ease the pain of losing. Throwing things around can be dangerous. Something could find it’s way to your TV and then you’d just be fucked, no more Gilmore Girls for you. If you’re winning, feel free to celebrate by having your way with your girlfriend/hand/jacket sleeve.

11:00pm - If the victor, don’t hesitate to call your opponent and taunt him until you’re blue in the face. If he hangs up on you send him somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 emails reminding him of your dominance. In the unfortunate event of a loss, curl up in the fetal position and cry like the worthless whore you are. Speaking of whores, if yours has not left you/ been kicked out at this point, demand sex, roll her over in the wet spot and go to sleep.

Hope that provided some insight as to how you should spend your Sunday if you aren’t already. If not, suck my ass.