MoSneaky Fantasy Football Online Magazine » Fantasy Forecasting of Player Injuries

Fantasy Forecasting of Player Injuries

14 May, 2007 Humor / Oddity

Burge Chesterton Contrary to what some shit brains may believe Fantasy Football is a game of chance, not skill. And lo for many moons how I and my team the Big Shitty Bums have suffered the wrath of Lady Luck. For example, I once had consecutive seasons in which I was the second highest scoring team in the league, only to miss the playoffs both years. Injuries continually ravage my team like SARS in a Hong Kong airport. However, instead of being bitter about my certain doom in the upcoming football season, I shall turn the other cheek and warn you, the dear reader, about impending catastrophes to expect in the months to come.

First, Brett Favre will be horribly injured. Yes, he of the 190 consecutive starts will finally succumb to a devastating injury. Why you ask. Because this summer I traded for him in my keeper league. When it comes to injuries I am worse than Astroturf. Most people think that a broken kneecap ended Jerry Rice’s string of consecutive games, but I know better. It was my Big Shitty Bums. Edgerrin James? That was me too. Basically no matter how seemingly indestructible these guys are, I can ruin them with a simple roster move.

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2007 in General Fantasy Discussion (0 Replies) - super_chicken

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In fact I will go so far as to say that I wouldn’t be shocked if Brett Favre dies in a fiery car crash, after all it has happened to me before. Remember when Bobby Phills, the basketball player, died in a car crash? I had picked him up two days prior in a Fantasy Basketball league I was in. I logged onto my team’s website and noticed I had a new injury. I clicked on the link expecting something like Chris Webber, Ankle, Day-to-Day. Instead I got Bobby Phills, injury:death. And the in one of the all time classiest moves, the site I was using noted that the injury was season ending. Did they have to wait for an MRI for that one? But I digress.

Issue Two: Charles Rogers will turn out to be a huge dope fiend and never catch a touchdown in the NFL. The handwriting is already on the wall with this one. His urine comes up tainted at the combine because he drank too much water. He claims he is a good guy and can’t wait to help his team. This is really too easy. He obviously can’t wait to waste his talent. However, I for one simply cannot resist the Rashaan Salaam-esque quality I see in Charles and will, therefore, eagerly snatch him up in the draft and wait for my punishment. My advice, though, is to do as I say, not as I do.

Finally, Jamal Lewis will beat his wife and be suspended by the league. I am going to be honest, I didn’t have a third prediction but things are always better in threes. So being an asshole I decided to make up a horrible prediction about a highly unfunny issue. I don’t even know if he is married, but this is my story and I am sticking to it. The point is this: He is on my team so something bad will befall him.

There you have it. I am a veritable martyr, suffering so that you may find fantasy football glory. To recap: 1) Brett Favre=Dead, 2) Charles Rogers=Dope Fiend, 3) Jamal Lewis=Wife Beater. Stay away. You’ve been warned.