MoSneaky Fantasy Football Online Magazine

Happy Thoughts

14 May, 2007 Humor / Oddity

N. Ford Well, the NFL season is officially underway. Thank God. No more moping around the house on Sunday trying to think of something to fill the empty space. Twelve consecutive undefeated seasons in Playstation football will only keep you busy for so long. But the waiting is over, and after Week 1, I’ve come to realize some truths about the game, its players, cheese and sausage, and myself.

Broadcasts really need to cut all the bull crap. I don’t need Hank Williams Jr.’s redneck ass screaming in my ear about his rowdy friends to get me excited about watching a football game. Shut the hell up, and get on with the game already. This also carries over into the announcing of the games. For some reason, announcers feel the need to be constantly talking. As if I would change the channel to Dancing with the Celebrities (or whatever the hell it’s called) if there happened to be a momentary lull in the idiotic patter of the commentators. Shut up and let us enjoy the game. If something happens off camera that we can’t see, let us know. But otherwise, shut your trap and assume we have the mental capacity to digest what is happening right before our very eyes. And for shit’s sake, we definitely don’t need to hear what Jamie fucking Foxx thinks about sports movies. Football is awesome in its’ rawest form; it doesn’t need to be jazzed up.

I like Trent Green, and wish him the best in his recovery, but he has no one to blame but himself. Geathers put a head-banging on him that would have made Ricky Rachmann raise the horns in righteous fury, but it was a legal hit. I wasn’t really impressed by Geathers’ celebration after the play, but he didn’t do anything wrong by hitting Green. Several plays earlier Green took off running and barreled head first into tacklers to secure a first down. Then, soon after, he waits until the last possible second to begin sliding into Geathers, who was already committed to the play. And then the dipshit announcers scream about what a terribly dirty hit it was. Retards. If a quarterback wants to be protected, they need to get their butts on the ground a little earlier. What happens when a defensive player blows out their knee trying to avoid hitting a quarterback who drops into a slide at the last second? Oh well, at least the precious QB is safe and sound. Quarterbacks aren’t made of porcelain. There are receivers out there who are just as frail as any QB in the league. Why don’t they get to slide? Stupid rule. If you are past the line of scrimmage trying to gain yards, you should be open game. Throw the ball if you don’t want to get hit, or get on your ass early enough that the defense has plenty of time to avoid your delicate self.

Deion Branch is NOT worth a first round pick. Are you kidding me? There are only a handful of teams in the league that Branch would be the #1 WR. And the Seahawks aren’t one of them. The Patriots got a first round pick from a dude that wouldn’t have even played this year? Robbery. Granted, Burleson is a turd, and the Seahawks are probably regretting giving him the money they did, but now they are going to make the same mistake with Branch? Good God.

It’s impossible to determine which is better, sausage or cheese. That’s why you should eat them together. For every meal. Don’t let doctors scare you with their fancy big words like “hypertension” and “cholesterol”. If you watch football without eating cheese and sausage, you might be a Communist. If you choose to forego the sausage for some other less tasty fare, you’d better smother it with enough cheese to constipate a rhinoceros for a week.

Some shout outs to players/teams/things that impressed me this week:

Detroit Lions defense. You guys dropped the hammer on the best offense in the conference. Keep playing with that intensity, and you’re going to win some games this year, no matter how bad your offense is.
Ronnie Brown. I wasn’t convinced when you were coming out of college, but you are the real deal, dude. You ran hard, made good cuts, showed good patience. I wish I would have taken you with the 4th pick in my fantasy draft.
Chicago Bears offense. You’d better try your damnedest to keep Rex Grossman healthy, because you guys are going to the Super Bowl as long as he lines up behind center. The ability to make plays down the field will work wonders for both the running game and the defense. You thought your defense was tough last year? Wait until you see what they can do when they are rested from the sustained drives you are putting together.
Brandon Jacobs. Wow. Just wow. I’m going to call Coughlin and demand you get at least 15 carries a game. I haven’t seen anyone run like that since Earl Campbell. Keep on truckin’, big boy.
San Francisco 49ers. Maybe not this year, fellas, but hang in there. You guys have a solid foundation of young talent out there, especially on the offensive side of the ball. You’ll be contenders in a year or two.

Some general heckling of people/teams/things that stunk or pissed me off in some way:

Tatum Bell. Hey dumb ass, did you ever think that the reason Shanahan won’t rely on you as the every-down back is because you can’t hang on to the football? It’s not that you aren’t talented enough, kid. It’s that you don’t do the little things.
Kansas City Chiefs. Boy, did you guys get old in a hurry. You guys are sunk without your road-grader offensive line in tact. Larry Johnson, your 2000 yard pipe dream just went up in smoke.
Daunte Culpepper. You are lucky you didn’t throw four picks, instead of just two. If you haven’t learned to look off a defender by now, don’t act surprised when they start jumping routes and intercepting your inaccurate passes. You’re going to single-handedly keep the Dolphins from the playoffs this year, aren’t you?
Randy Moss. “Things are crazy here”? Well no shit, Sherlock. Just wait until Brooks starts throwing backwards passes, and you guys can’t win a game to save your lives. I can’t wait to hear what you have to say then. Oh wait, yes I can. Maybe what you really meant to say was, “I had a better O-line in high school, yo”. Worst performance I’ve ever seen on a football field. Way to go Raiders.
Brett Favre. You should retire. It’s not even justifiable anymore. Stop being a stubborn ass and let the franchise get on with rebuilding. Get Rodgers in there and let the learning begin. Stunting the kid’s growth one more year just so you can go 5-11 and set the all-time interception mark is ridiculous. It’s getting harder and harder to remember when you were good.
Iowa Hawkeyes. Uhh, who the hell is calling the plays on offense? Whoever it is has to have the IQ of a snail. Let’s see, we have a backup QB in, who can’t stop throwing passes to the other team. I guess we’ll keep throwing every down, instead of trying to run the ball. You’d think the bigger, more physical team would try to wear the other guys down by pounding the ball, especially late in the game. Guess not. You were lucky to sneak out of there with a win.

And that’s about it for this week, folks. Until next time, think happy thoughts. And if you can’t do that, remember to make liberal use of your middle finger. It’s easier than speaking, and works just as well in almost any situation.