MoSneaky Fantasy Football Online Magazine » Harsh Justice for the Stupid

Harsh Justice for the Stupid

14 May, 2007 Humor / Oddity

Burge Chesterton Chris Henry fought the law, and I won. Thanks to Mr. Henry’s recent string of arrests, I have managed to continue my stranglehold on my off season fantasy league. No small feat when you consider that Ricky Williams failed a drug test and wound up in the CFL, Ben Roethlisberger attempted a face plant off of his motorcycle into a car windshield, and Terrell Owens is a ticking time bomb in Dallas. But Young Henry and his zest for lawlessness have carried the day.

What exactly is off season fantasy football, the reader asks? It is only the craze currently sweeping the most cultivated and civilized of fantasy gurus. The type who usually don’t answer your fucking lame ass questions. I, however, have deigned it my mission to spread this game, not unlike the Europeans spreading small pox in the New World. Yes, dear reader, off season fantasy is that infectious.

Off season fantasy consists of choosing a side of interesting NFL characters, from owners to ball boys, and consulting a highly complicated table to determine the point value assigned to their everyday acts. The more fantastic the act, the more fantastic the reward. For instance, Marshall Faulk is considering retirement. After assigning a variable to account for his age and experience in the league, one must consult the Chart of the Ordinary, or The Banal Chart, for the corresponding point value. The owner’s team would then gain the corresponding amount of points.

Mr. Henry’s behavior, on the other hand, requires multiple charts, the highest being “The Astonishing Occasion Chart,” variables accounting for the severity of the indictment and for the presence of underage girls, and several rolls of the ten-sided die. Indeed, this has been a momentous off season, particularly when you figure in the multiplier for multiple arrests.

To some of you this may all seem a bit far fetched. These some deserve a fate worse than prison rape. The beauty of this fantasy game is that it truly blurs the line between fantasy and reality. If a man scores a touchdown on Sunday, it scores points for a fantasy team. But it was the result of events out of my control and existing in a world of which I cannot be a part. Coaches call the plays, defenders attempt to stop forward progress, referees spot holding penalties. I sit in my chair thousands of miles away left feeling detached. I can’t call plays. Thanks to my recent court appearance, I cannot even enter the stadium and cheer on those players.

Off season fantasy, in sweet contrast, takes place in the world in which I roam. Drugs and underage women are things of which I have an intimate familiarity. I understand an athletes rage and stoke the fires that brew within whenever possible. Egos are meant to be inflated and honed for strategic gain.

Hypothetically (as I must state for legal purposes), I could gain access to a low level Cincinnati wide
receiver and lead him down a path of temptation. Then when the situation is at its most incriminating, invite Johnny Law in to break up the party. I, infact, could do this again and again. No skin off my nose, theoretically speaking of course, and my off season fantasy team finds itself calculating astronomical variables on the holiest of charts.

Many in my league find my behavior (theoretical of course) unsettling. But those with a true zest for
fantasy compete vigorously. My league includes agents with a penchant for holdouts, doctors in North Carolina who enjoy fueling athletes with steroids, and drug dealers who appear discreet but with a cell phone containing the phone number of the NFL enforcement office. The off season world is our oyster to crack. Behold the pearls inside!

Fantasy Football, for all its marvels, pales in comparison to this sport of kings. My advice to you
reader is to not tolerate the fourth wall normal fantasy creates. Engagement is the key. Tolerate no