Fantasy Football makes my dick almost as hard as Bea Arthur wearing a purple thong bending over to finish off a killer hummer on a naked, beret wearing Marlon Brando.

Splat!!
Good stuff boys, GOOD STUFF!

Now that I’ve got you all lubed up and ready for love, lets talk Fantasy Football. It is a little early to get to the nuts and bolts of draft picks and sortable statistics, so lets focus on some of the more exotic fantasy football fundamentals. I’ve compiled a list of pre-season techniques that will guarantee you a more successful season.

1. Never let down your guard – a lot of us are in leagues with our friends. The natural impulse is to reconcile differences after the season and be friendly with these chums. WRONG ASSHOLE! It is crucial to keep your enemy in your sights year round. In lieu of your Sunday football battle, try maintaining your hate focus by randomly insulting your friends’ wives, girlfriends, or lack thereof.For example try this: “Your girlfriend is a cum-chugging crack slut that sucked my dick in exchange for a Werthers Original candy (unwrapped) that I peeled off of my car’s floor mat, you fag”. For greater effect try this via telephone between the hours of 2 and 4 AM. This may cause some “collateral damage” to your friendship but if you want to win this year, you better take off the gloves, Sally.
2. Try to increase production of your players. This is most effectively accomplished by waiting outside their houses and reminding them that they better score more this year or you’ll gut them like a fucking fish. This may sound a little goofy but it can pay off. I tried this with Ahman Green last year and just look at the improvement.
3. Acknowledge the existence of fantasy gods and pay them homage. Renounce all other more common and weaker gods, and embrace the gods of the gridiron. Paying homage to the gods is one of the most effective ways to make sure you pull off the narrow victory. Homage to the gods can take many different forms. I like to wear an outfit I crafted of human skin while dancing naked in a mirror and telling myself that I would definitely have intercourse with me, then I say Amen.
4. Stay in shape. A lot of guys let themselves go during the offseason and it shows when the season starts. Let me tell you something boys, Charlie hustle wins this game and the more effort you put in at the gym now, the more ass you are going to kick when the
   season starts.

Follow these rules, and by the time draft time rolls around you’ll be ready to dominate.

Strategy

• The Art of Trade - May 14th, 2007
• Mastering the Internet Draft - May 14th, 2007
• Never Count Your Eggs Before They Chicken - May 14th, 2007
• Why to Stay Away from Big Ten Backs - May 14th, 2007
• 7 Habits of Highly Successful Owners - May 14th, 2007

Popularity: 15% [?]