MoSneaky Fantasy Football Online Magazine

The Art of Trade

14 May, 2007 Strategy

J.W. Poof Let’s get something straight right now. There are only 2 kinds of trades, the kind where you screw somebody and the kind where they screw you. The idea of a mutually beneficial trade is naïve. Like leprechauns, the female orgasm and god it is only a myth. If you think you come across any of those things you are probably being fooled Make no mistake friends, every time you enter into a trade you run the risk of being fucked like a naked and drunk Harry Potter at a NAMBLA convention. You could have a player traded to you who is hurt, retired, demoted, in jail, or even dead. SO, how do you avoid having the proverbial fireman’s helmet jammed up to your stomach? Employ our techniques to make your self the fucker, not the fuckee. This article will divide the art of trade into two categories; How to Attack and How to Defend. Both are instrumental in becoming a complete and balanced fantasy football trader. Remember, they may be your friends but this is war.

As in most disciplines defense is an easier skill to learn so we’ll start with that. Try to remember that, to your enemy, you are nothing more than a sack of meat that possesses players that he wants. You must keep this in mind at all times. Your best friend might call you up with what seems like a fair trade until the next morning when you find out that the player just underwent surgery to become a woman. Trust no one. The advent of the internet has made defending yourself from a bad trade very much more simple than in the past. With the wealth of information at your fingertips there is no reason why you shouldn’t know the status of any player in the league at any time. When someone approaches you with a trade never agree to anything right away. Remain aloof and non-committal. Tell your potential trade mate that you’ll think about it and get back to them.

While your opponent is waiting for your response you need to do the following:

Check every internet source available to make sure that the player(s) in question are still alive and well and not in any sort of trouble
Call a trusted friend in a different fantasy league OR post the trade on a message board. Getting feedback about a trade is always helpful.
Formulate a counter trade that is to your benefit. If he came to you for a trade he is vulnerable. Being approached for a trade puts you in a powerful position if you can keep your cool

After you have examined his offer you should know if you want to make the trade. No matter what your feelings about this specific trade are, you should not break off negotiations completely. Perhaps you are lucky enough to have a player that someone else in your league overvalues for emotional reasons. Never let a trade offer go without giving a counter offer that is so much to your benefit that only a fool would make the trade. You never know. He just might be a fool.

Don’t let yourself fall into that trap either. Never fall in love with your players. I know there have been times where I wanted a player so bad that I got fucked. Don’t let it happen to you.

Offense, or the attack, is a much more difficult discipline to master. It takes extreme cunning, clairvoyance and patience. There are many ways to screw a friend in a trade. Always remember that this is the ultimate achievement for a fantasy owner. To screw someone else is a divine and great thing of which you can be proud for many years to come. So how do you do it? Good question There is the very obvious method of staying more informed than the next guy. Sit in front of your computer on a sports news webpage, clicking the refresh button over and over again until you find out about the change of status of a player (injury, promotion, demotion) before your comrades. When armed with this knowledge you must act quickly. It will only be a matter of time before the rest of your league finds out about this player’s change. If the player is on your team and you need to unload him DON”T WASTE TIME. Call the dumbest manager in your league and make him a sweet offer. If you are really skilled you will make him make you the offer. Bring up the player in question to see if your opponent knows about his injury. Let on that, perhaps, you will trade him for some insignificant reason and then wait for the league retard to make you an offer. If he won’t make you an offer you’ll have to come right out with it. Whatever you do, don’t let on that the player is hurt. This may seem unethical but you can’t let that stop you. Like I said, this is War. In order to avoid the league fucktard calling someone more wise than he, always call him on the phone. This isn’t as convenient as an e-mail but it is much more personal and provides a better platform for manipulation. If you can’t fuck him in one phone call you probably never will. Whatever you do, don’t let him off of the phone. Tell him that you have an offer from another league member and you need to know his response immediately. It isn’t honest but who cares. If he gets off of that phone he will almost certainly check on the status of that player and discover your attempt at raping him.

Maybe your screwing isn’t as extreme as the aforementioned example. Maybe you just want to make a trade that is to your advantage for two closely matched players. If you are going to be dealing with a manager that you respect you will need to bring your “A” game. This is where patience comes in. Start out with an e-mail, just a probe to see what his thoughts are about a certain player. Be prepared to give it some time because if you seem eager he will have the advantage. Dance around the idea of a trade until he becomes interested. At that point waste the extra 5 cents a minute and give him a call. Calling is much more personal than e-mail and it doesn’t allow as much time to think. Make the opposing manager think that the trade is mutually beneficial and then fuck him like a 12 yr old in Tijuana.

This isn’t everything to The Art of Trade but it is a good start. Keep in mind that Fantasy Football is just another form of battle and the best man will win. Stay focused on your mission and remember; if someone comes to you with a trade that seems too good, it probably is. Trade wisely my friends.