MoSneaky Fantasy Football Online Magazine » THE FANTASY MAN VOL. 1

THE FANTASY MAN VOL. 1 - The Fantasy Man Can

14 May, 2007 Humor / Oddity

Gail Dwyer III Y’all remember that episode of Full House where Uncle Jessie gets Kimmy pregnant, and winds up cutting off her head and hands to delay the identification of the Gibbler torso?

W’help, as a fervent disciple of all things fantasy, I often find myself in similarly amusing situations. As my therapist likes to say, “Gail, you’re in too deep.”

>PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER<

That said, I’m a self- confessed rambler, partly brain cloud, partly tweeker, so deal with my non- traditional transitional flow and belly- on- up to The Fantasy Man’s Land.

Over the next several months, we’ll be talking shop and charming beavers. I’m what doctors might call a “straight shootin, tough talking sociopathic fantasy football- aholic with a recreational PCP habit.” So come on down!

ROOMMATE: BERNARDWelcome to Fantasy Land, population two. That’s right I got a squatter on the lower bunk by the name of Bernard. When folks ask about Bernard, I usually rub my hands together and say,

“W’help, he’s like the dog that followed me home… It’s hard to say no to them eyes of his, but it’s surprisingly easy to say yes to virtually every other portion of his anatomy.”

>PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER<

I explain it as such:

“Bernard’s a pseudo- mobile overeater with a set of carpet draggin’ man-tits. Sometimes I’ll just grab Bernard by the cheek and say to him, ‘what’s lower? Your adipose ridden windsock bossom or your wilted self esteem?” And we’ll just laugh and laugh. Cause see, Bernard’s the kinda cat that’d start two QB’s if you gave ‘em the chance. He’s also french.

SIX DEGREES OF BILLY CUNDIFFI can’t stop thinking about Green Bay’s William “Billy” Cundiff. They say every man gotta six minutes of fame, and I suppose mine came when I met television’s Dustin Diamond at the Northpark Mall. This got me thinking about the obvious question: “Does Dustin know Cundiff?”

This got me churning on the subject of connections. It occurred to me that Dustin played Screech on Saved by the Bell: The College Years with former Los Angeles Raider Bob Golic. Now, Golic was coached by Art Shell, who is again the coach of the Oakland Raiders, which means he coaches Robert Gallery, who played at Iowa with Abdul Hodge, who now plays for Green Bay, with Billy Cundiff! So, in turn, now I can tell people, “I am Billy Cundiff.”

FAN MAILMark of Rutland, VT writes:

Dear Gail (Fantasy Man),I find myself in an on- again off- again relationship with a violent and abusive man. If I look him in the eye, he makes me choose between the tire iron and the RAMBO II inspired electric mattress. Anyway, he’s in a fantasy league and thinks Matt Jones may be a steal in the third round. Thoughts?

Mark,
Go for the tire iron.
Yours,
Gail Dwyer III

GAIL’S PIXColor me disgusting, but I’ll be damned if Mark Lionheart amounts to jackshit as QB for the Phoenix Cardinal. For one, he’s gotta “I ain’t gonna get any on me” boner choke attitude that ain’t exactly gonna fly out there in the desert. Last time I checked, coach Joe Bugle ain’t exactly friendly toward QB’s with their picture in the grocery checkout line. Ole Mark Lionheart should get with his namesake, drop the Paris Latsis routine, and sign up for the Kuma Te of life. C’mon Mark, with Anton Boldin and Marty Fitzpatrick at receiver, you’ve got a chance to some damn big things with your arm. Don’t let your head get in the way.

And Also With You,
Gail Dwyer III