MoSneaky Fantasy Football Online Magazine

This one goes to eleven

14 May, 2007 Humor / Oddity

Burge Chesterton Dear Reader:

In order to attain full fantasy football enlightenment, it is necessary that one explore the very periphery of the realm. At the far reaches of the fantasy universe lies the tricky questions and answers lead to a Deeper Knowledge. Ah, and with this knowledge comes the advantages one seeks when entering a new and always changing season.

Lately this quest for knowledge and power has led your author to contemplate Congressional hearings on steroids, genetic research, and Danica Patrick. Obviously these topics cut to the very heart of the future of fantasy domination. The journey to fully comprehend this, however, is an arduous one and not undertaken lightly. Luckily your author is selfless and constantly crusades for the Greater Good in hopes of karmic reward from the Fantasy Gods. Therefore, I lead you on an expedition to the edges of the fantasy realm.

First, and definitely foremost, if there is one thing your author understands, it is the use and near abuse of steroids and other performance enhancing drugs. You must understand the search for ways to enhance one’s own body is one of the base instincts in the human nature. Evolution need not be a purely genetic endeavor. One must constantly fight to survive in a brutish world. Congress, therefore, is working against the very core of our beings. Testing policies for steroids are pure rubbish and any Congressman insisting otherwise should be flogged in the public square.

Your author has used steroids for years to great advantage in fantasy leagues. He often finds himself with three or four first round draft picks in any given year due his raw and unadulterated intimidation of the competition. Fantasy football is too valuable to be left to pencil-necked geeks. The weak must be rooted out and beaten. It is your author’s grounding philosophy that love is not the universal language: that title belongs to our good friend Brute Force.

It is highly encouraged that you explore your own league’s testing policy. Geeks often will try to maintain control through the use of Rules. Rules, however, are meant to be broken. Your author’s own league has no steroid policy to speak of, however, if the weak ever conspire to stop the tyranny of the strong, your author is prepared. Conspiracies lead to clandestine responses and I have purchased Whizzinators in both Caucasian and beige (I planned ahead incase I have a tan when the weak seek my destruction). It is highly recommended, dear reader, that you visit the Whizzinator website and determine what color of fake penis may be right for you.

In addition to personal advantages, Congress threatens an era of fantasy statistics the likes of which have never been seen. We need 400 pound, muscle-bound linemen paving the way for running backs so far gone on a combination of testosterone and speed that they could run through brick walls and feel No Pain. Thin of the Pure Violence that would ensue when a pill popping tight end catches a pass across the middle only to be flattened by a crazed linebacker who weighs 340 pounds without an ounce of body fat. Football is a game of Violent Forces colliding and seeing which force is Greater. When played in this manner fantasy football may finally embody its Purest Form. Your author strongly encourages you to write your Representatives and demand an end to this abomination.

The use of performance enhancing drugs leads naturally and logically into an examination of genetic research. No other single topic is more relevant to the future of fantasy football. By altering the genetic blueprints of our top fantasy athletes, we sand at the cusp of an era of fantasy stats the likes of which are beyond comprehension for our feeble minds. Advantage will be gained, however, through the attempt to catch a mere glimpse of what is to come. After contemplating this future for days while my body remained in a drug-induced coma, your author foresees the following:

The running back position will be played by genetic freaks created in a lab by splicing together the DNA of human beings with a horse. These man/horses will run/gallop behind a line of elephants that have had human stem cells injected into their brains. Wide receivers shall have their lower halves replaced by those of some of the swiftest beasts on the planets, including ostriches, cheetahs, and gazelles. They will catch passes expertly thrown by Dan Marino clones. The clones will be upgraded by using pieces from other clones – Montana’s brain, Unitas’s heart, Michael Vick’s legs. It will be beautiful. Fantasy football will forever be strengthened.

Finally, the uproar surrounding Danica Patrick and the Indy 500 has led me to contemplate the Grave Dangers she presents to fantasy football. I see a near future where women begin playing in the NFL. Sure, at first it is just a lineman the size of those women from Iowa who have babies without ever realizing they were pregnant. Soon, however, they are trying to play quarterback. That’s right, we may be forced to draft women in our fantasy leagues. The situation will surely grab the attention of other women, who will then want to join Our Leagues. I have already heard of it happening. Your author, therefore, encourages you to write your Representatives encouraging laws preventing fat women from playing in the NFL and banning women from fantasy leagues across the nation.

As you can see the next few years present both wonders and perils for fantasy football. Only by closely considering the future and the consequences of what we do now can we fully control the destiny of our Beloved Game. Now that your author as opened this window to the future and provided a glimpse of all it holds, I trust that you will act with All Due Caution. Travel safe Dear Reader.