MoSneaky Fantasy Football Online Magazine » Yards are For Houses: OR HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE TOUCHDOWN

Yards are For Houses: OR HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE TOUCHDOWN

14 May, 2007 Humor / Oddity

Burge Chesterton Stardate 1996: Despite the continual onslaught of Cardacian warships, I have retired to my captain’s quarters to ponder the eternal question: why are yardage leagues best left to the Borg? And then it hit me, like a shit handprint to the forehead:

“Yards are for houses, my dear boy.”

BUT WHY?

The TD is the greatest of all binaries. It either is or it ain’t. A TD can determine the fate of a Sunday, a weekend, a season, a year. A nine-yard carry to the 28 yd line cannot. Need I say more?

I will. Yards hedge the bet, throw the game, maim the league, and require scientific calculators. TD’s are a throwback to the Germanic Tribalism. Need I say more?

I will. Yardage leagues defame the very concept of “fantasy.” There are no unicorns in yardage leagues. There are no scapegoat elves in yardage leagues. Need I say more?

I will. Yards wish they were what TD’s simply are.

I hope I’ve cleared things up,

-T. Francis

1. Contemporary quantum mechanics might say otherwise (Schroedinger, et al). Despite this, football remains surprisingly popular at the protozoan level (see my article, “Amoeba rolls right, looks left.” from the Journal of Molecular Sports and Leisure, OCT 99.)